My least favorite holiday...

For years I have known that Mother's Day is my least favorite holiday of the year.  Even knowing this I always had high expectations and was always disappointed.  I recently told someone that it should be called Mothers with Husbands or Grown Kids Day although when I was married my husband used to always say, "well you're not MY mother."
This year started off no different.  I had unreasonable expectations.  I didn't want jewelry or lavish gifts.  What I wanted was for my children to get along and behave for the day.  That is probably not going to happen until they are grown.  So after my kids let me sleep just late enough for them to not have to go to church, I got up and cleaned the kitchen, took out the trash, refereed a fight, and made some coffee and walked through the trashed living room and back upstairs to have my breakfast (coffee) in bed.  
I decided that is where my pity party was going to end.  We had plans to go visit my mom for the day and if just being able to spend the day with my mom weren't enough, she lives on a lake.....where we can sit on the dock and the boys can swim and play and be outside all day.  So we got ready and headed out around noon.  Despite  being in the car with 5 boys for 2 hours round trip and the sporadic bickering throughout the day it was a good day.  I haven't spent time with my mom in a while and it's the first time the boys have been able to swim in the lake this season.  My oldest even took us out for a boat ride.  
We ate dinner on the way home and got here just in time for the boys to head to bed.  I was exhausted and in need of a bath after being at the lake all day, but wanted to watch the Amazing Race and knew if I went up to take a bath I would never make it back downstairs.  The living room looked cleaner than I remembered and seemed to have fresh vacuum marks.  But I was tired and I had just vacuumed the day before so I thought maybe those marks were left from then and I have a horrible habit of making everyone wait in the car as I run around and do last minute straightening so I could have done more than I remembered as we were leaving that morning.
When I finished watching TV I went up to get rinsed off and crawl into bed.  But when I got up to my room I realized the living room wasn't the only room that looked freshly vacuumed.  In addition to the fresh vacuum marks in my room, my bed was covered with new clothes.  My boyfriend had come by while we were gone, cleaned up, made me a card, and left the clothes on my bed.  I was so excited....but also still kinda stinky from being in the sun all day.  I jumped in the shower and got clean enough and got out and started trying on clothes.  It was depressing.  When I got divorced I lost 30 pounds.  Over the last 3 years I have put that 30 pounds back on.  I have tried dieting and exercising but always end up right back at that same weight.  I had just a week ago decided that I needed to come to terms with my weight.  I am not overweight by most standards, I just don't have the body that I did before.  My belly is flabby and my hips are big.  But I still look good in most of my clothes.  I decided that  I am 40 years old with 5 kids and I don't need to wear a bikini anymore. Unfortunately one of the things my boyfriend had bought me was a really cute two-piece bathing suit.  It didn't look so cute when I tried it on.  On top of that 2 of the dresses that should have been my size were too small.  So now I am right back to feeling bad about myself because of something that was meant as an act of kindness.  My boyfriend knows my struggles and wanted to make my Mother's Day special.  And he did.  I'm the one who can't let those negative feelings go.  I don't think Mother's Day will ever be my favorite holiday, but I'm hoping to at least move it up the list a little bit at a time.