Not feeling much like writing lately.  I started this blog as a sort of journal of all the issues I have with my boys. I thought that it would help to have a place to get out all of that negative stuff.  And maybe even one day when things were better look back and see what I made it through.  Only problem is I feel like all I do is complain.  I don't like when other people constantly complain and I don't want to be guilty of that myself.  But I can't honestly write about what is going on in my life without being negative.  Just last month, we had 13 doctor's appointments, 9 days of OSS (out of school suspension,) 3 sick days, a non-routine parent-teacher conference, a school counselor alerting me to an incident involving one of my kids and alcohol at his dad's house, a cop bringing kids home at 1am, the first 4 days of a school expulsion that will last the remainder of the school year, and some stuff that I can't talk about here because it is even worse than that.  There are some positive things that happened but it is so hard to pull them out of all the muck and I'm so exhausted I don't even get on the computer most nights.  Just curl up under the covers as soon as my boys go to bed and watch TV until I can fall asleep.

I was gonna go up and put a title on this post but my computer broke so I'm borrowing one from a friend and I can't get to the box where the title goes because something is covering it up.

Divorce

I recently discovered that a blogger that I really admire is getting a divorce.  The first thing I thought was how is this possible.  This woman seems to have it all, she couldn't possibly be getting a divorce.  She is always posting positive things and her life seems perfect.  It made me think about the image we project to the rest of the world.
I was that woman who to the outside world had it all.  My life was great.  I lived in a big house with 5 wonderful children.  I was active in the church, sang in the choir, and kept the nursery every wednesday night.  My husband had his own business and made good money so I was able to be a SAHM.  I chose to homeschool our kids and loved it.  My kids were active in sports and I was a team mom.  But at home, my marriage was falling apart.  My husband was traveling all the time and was not really a father to his kids.  He avoided church and the ball games and practices.  He was an alcoholic and drank 3 bottles of wine a night.  He also smoked marijuana on a daily basis.  I only told one close friend what was really going on in my life.  She convinced me to start going to a support group and I did.  I just wanted help dealing with his absence and alcoholism and was determined to make my marriage work.  He brought up divorce several times but I was adamant that I wanted our marriage to work.  I asked him to go to counseling and he did....once.  We had a second appointment but I went to that one alone because he had an emergency out of town meeting.  I found out it wasn't business...he was cheating. My marriage counselor very shortly became my divorce counselor.  Looking back I realize that I was so concerned with appearances that I was willing to stay in a miserable marriage.  Christians weren't supposed to get divorced.  If I got divorced, people would think I did something wrong to cause it.  If they knew he cheated on me, they would think there must be something wrong with me to make him do such a thing.  If I got divorced, I would have failed at being a wife.
One of the things people who haven't been divorced don't realize is that going through a divorce is like grieving a death.  The death of a marriage.  The death of a dream.  It is a huge loss.  I lost my husband.  I lost family members.  I lost a best friend.  I even lost myself for a while.  But through it all I got me back and I'm better than ever.  And I also discovered some really great friends and was reminded what a wonderful supportive family I have.

Tough day

It's a real tough day when a medical doctor with 25 years experience tells you she can't help your child and to go somewhere else.  That was my day.  It sucks. I'm angry.  I'm sad.   I'm tired.

To Whom It May Concern

Wow.  I didn't realize that sending you a text at 6:30 in the evening to let you know about an issue with one of your children was going to turn into you sending me 45 texts while I was trying to sleep between 1:00 and 2:30am.  It really is all about money with you.  Don't tell me you have money problems while you have a Lamborghini, a Maserati, a Ferrari, and a Denali.  I could have petitioned the court for more child support and gotten it a long time ago.  I didn't because what I get is enough.  I don't drive a fancy car or live in a big house in a nice neighborhood, but I don't need to either.  You chose to be with Jane (not real name) when we were married and you chose to marry her after our divorce.  That was your decision, not mine.  I don't have any problem with the morality clause in our divorce decree.  My boyfriend parks in the driveway or in front of the house and he does not spend the night.  He doesn't need to park down the street because we are not sneaking around like you did.

Christmas is over

Wow...it's January!  Not just January but halfway through January.  I had all these plans to blog about our Christmas (which was really good).  And then Christmas came....and went.  Then i was sick for 3 days....like in bed did not eat, did not do anything sick.  Fortunately my boys went to their dad's at 3pm on Christmas day (I was actually back in bed by noon.)  I didn't take any calls on Monday and so did not know that my aunt who has cancer had taken a turn for the worse.  Got the call Tuesday that she had passed away.  Finally dragged myself out of bed on Wednesday to take down the Christmas tree and take my van in for service.  Thursday I headed to my parents so that I could ride with them to Florida for my aunt's memorial.  We left Friday morning and the memorial was Saturday.  She had struggled off and on with some form on cancer for 23 years.  The latest was kidney cancer which had spread to her brain and eventually throughout her body.  Through all this she developed an amazing positive attitude and "sparkle."  My cousin introduced her to a song called "Swim" by Jack's mannequin and it became her lifesong over the past 2 years.  She vowed to live life to the fullest and enjoy every moment she was given.  She had positive sayings posted throughout her home and always had sparkles on her somewhere.  For her memorial everyone was asked to wear something sparkly in her honor.  Even many of the guys wore sparkle spray on their clothing.  Afterwards she had wanted a party thrown in her honor and party we did!  There was live music and face painting and balloons.  The sun was shining and the weather was perfect.

Balloons (environmentally safe) released in Carol's honor.

Slideshow tribute 

SWIM MAMA from Josh Letchworth on Vimeo.

I don't make New Year's resolutions but the memorial  inspired me to adopt a more positive attitude and it just happened to fall on New Year's Eve.  I guess it's a good thing I don't make New Year's resolutions because I am struggling with this one.  Things have been really rough since I got back and my boys got home but I will save that for another post.  For now I am just trying to sparkle and swim....