Divorce

I recently discovered that a blogger that I really admire is getting a divorce.  The first thing I thought was how is this possible.  This woman seems to have it all, she couldn't possibly be getting a divorce.  She is always posting positive things and her life seems perfect.  It made me think about the image we project to the rest of the world.
I was that woman who to the outside world had it all.  My life was great.  I lived in a big house with 5 wonderful children.  I was active in the church, sang in the choir, and kept the nursery every wednesday night.  My husband had his own business and made good money so I was able to be a SAHM.  I chose to homeschool our kids and loved it.  My kids were active in sports and I was a team mom.  But at home, my marriage was falling apart.  My husband was traveling all the time and was not really a father to his kids.  He avoided church and the ball games and practices.  He was an alcoholic and drank 3 bottles of wine a night.  He also smoked marijuana on a daily basis.  I only told one close friend what was really going on in my life.  She convinced me to start going to a support group and I did.  I just wanted help dealing with his absence and alcoholism and was determined to make my marriage work.  He brought up divorce several times but I was adamant that I wanted our marriage to work.  I asked him to go to counseling and he did....once.  We had a second appointment but I went to that one alone because he had an emergency out of town meeting.  I found out it wasn't business...he was cheating. My marriage counselor very shortly became my divorce counselor.  Looking back I realize that I was so concerned with appearances that I was willing to stay in a miserable marriage.  Christians weren't supposed to get divorced.  If I got divorced, people would think I did something wrong to cause it.  If they knew he cheated on me, they would think there must be something wrong with me to make him do such a thing.  If I got divorced, I would have failed at being a wife.
One of the things people who haven't been divorced don't realize is that going through a divorce is like grieving a death.  The death of a marriage.  The death of a dream.  It is a huge loss.  I lost my husband.  I lost family members.  I lost a best friend.  I even lost myself for a while.  But through it all I got me back and I'm better than ever.  And I also discovered some really great friends and was reminded what a wonderful supportive family I have.

Tough day

It's a real tough day when a medical doctor with 25 years experience tells you she can't help your child and to go somewhere else.  That was my day.  It sucks. I'm angry.  I'm sad.   I'm tired.