Divorce

I recently discovered that a blogger that I really admire is getting a divorce.  The first thing I thought was how is this possible.  This woman seems to have it all, she couldn't possibly be getting a divorce.  She is always posting positive things and her life seems perfect.  It made me think about the image we project to the rest of the world.
I was that woman who to the outside world had it all.  My life was great.  I lived in a big house with 5 wonderful children.  I was active in the church, sang in the choir, and kept the nursery every wednesday night.  My husband had his own business and made good money so I was able to be a SAHM.  I chose to homeschool our kids and loved it.  My kids were active in sports and I was a team mom.  But at home, my marriage was falling apart.  My husband was traveling all the time and was not really a father to his kids.  He avoided church and the ball games and practices.  He was an alcoholic and drank 3 bottles of wine a night.  He also smoked marijuana on a daily basis.  I only told one close friend what was really going on in my life.  She convinced me to start going to a support group and I did.  I just wanted help dealing with his absence and alcoholism and was determined to make my marriage work.  He brought up divorce several times but I was adamant that I wanted our marriage to work.  I asked him to go to counseling and he did....once.  We had a second appointment but I went to that one alone because he had an emergency out of town meeting.  I found out it wasn't business...he was cheating. My marriage counselor very shortly became my divorce counselor.  Looking back I realize that I was so concerned with appearances that I was willing to stay in a miserable marriage.  Christians weren't supposed to get divorced.  If I got divorced, people would think I did something wrong to cause it.  If they knew he cheated on me, they would think there must be something wrong with me to make him do such a thing.  If I got divorced, I would have failed at being a wife.
One of the things people who haven't been divorced don't realize is that going through a divorce is like grieving a death.  The death of a marriage.  The death of a dream.  It is a huge loss.  I lost my husband.  I lost family members.  I lost a best friend.  I even lost myself for a while.  But through it all I got me back and I'm better than ever.  And I also discovered some really great friends and was reminded what a wonderful supportive family I have.

Tough day

It's a real tough day when a medical doctor with 25 years experience tells you she can't help your child and to go somewhere else.  That was my day.  It sucks. I'm angry.  I'm sad.   I'm tired.

To Whom It May Concern

Wow.  I didn't realize that sending you a text at 6:30 in the evening to let you know about an issue with one of your children was going to turn into you sending me 45 texts while I was trying to sleep between 1:00 and 2:30am.  It really is all about money with you.  Don't tell me you have money problems while you have a Lamborghini, a Maserati, a Ferrari, and a Denali.  I could have petitioned the court for more child support and gotten it a long time ago.  I didn't because what I get is enough.  I don't drive a fancy car or live in a big house in a nice neighborhood, but I don't need to either.  You chose to be with Jane (not real name) when we were married and you chose to marry her after our divorce.  That was your decision, not mine.  I don't have any problem with the morality clause in our divorce decree.  My boyfriend parks in the driveway or in front of the house and he does not spend the night.  He doesn't need to park down the street because we are not sneaking around like you did.

Christmas is over

Wow...it's January!  Not just January but halfway through January.  I had all these plans to blog about our Christmas (which was really good).  And then Christmas came....and went.  Then i was sick for 3 days....like in bed did not eat, did not do anything sick.  Fortunately my boys went to their dad's at 3pm on Christmas day (I was actually back in bed by noon.)  I didn't take any calls on Monday and so did not know that my aunt who has cancer had taken a turn for the worse.  Got the call Tuesday that she had passed away.  Finally dragged myself out of bed on Wednesday to take down the Christmas tree and take my van in for service.  Thursday I headed to my parents so that I could ride with them to Florida for my aunt's memorial.  We left Friday morning and the memorial was Saturday.  She had struggled off and on with some form on cancer for 23 years.  The latest was kidney cancer which had spread to her brain and eventually throughout her body.  Through all this she developed an amazing positive attitude and "sparkle."  My cousin introduced her to a song called "Swim" by Jack's mannequin and it became her lifesong over the past 2 years.  She vowed to live life to the fullest and enjoy every moment she was given.  She had positive sayings posted throughout her home and always had sparkles on her somewhere.  For her memorial everyone was asked to wear something sparkly in her honor.  Even many of the guys wore sparkle spray on their clothing.  Afterwards she had wanted a party thrown in her honor and party we did!  There was live music and face painting and balloons.  The sun was shining and the weather was perfect.

Balloons (environmentally safe) released in Carol's honor.

Slideshow tribute 

SWIM MAMA from Josh Letchworth on Vimeo.

I don't make New Year's resolutions but the memorial  inspired me to adopt a more positive attitude and it just happened to fall on New Year's Eve.  I guess it's a good thing I don't make New Year's resolutions because I am struggling with this one.  Things have been really rough since I got back and my boys got home but I will save that for another post.  For now I am just trying to sparkle and swim....

I want to love Christmas

I really do.  I like to shop.  I like to decorate.  I like Christmas music.  I like to bake - some.  I like to eat too much.  I like to spend time with family.  But somehow I always get depressed at Christmas.  My house is half decorated.  My shopping is half done.  Nothing is wrapped.  I haven't baked anything (except chicken burritos for dinner last night.)  I'm okay with all of that even.  But every year it hits me.  There is something missing.   I want this perfect Norman Rockwell Christmas where everyone is happy and we all get along and go for rides to look at Christmas lights and have parties with friends and family and then go home and sit in front of the fire and drink hot chocolate.  But we don't get along and don't go to parties and don't have a fireplace and hot chocolate makes my kids wild.  I want to go to church on Christmas Eve and for the kids to get up Christmas morning and say "look what Santa brought me" instead of "see I told you Santa wasn't real because he didn't bring me a go-cart or an ipod or a new computer like I asked for."  I realize this is unrealistic.  And I also realize it is part of the problem.  When my expectations are high, I'm going to be disappointed.  And yeah, my kids are past Santa age but they could still either get in the spirit and pretend or at least realize that Santa is a single mom with 5 kids and a budget.
Oh well, I'm off to gather the kids to decorate the tree and eat candy canes and probably break up a couple of fights.....

10 inches

That's how much hair I had cut off this week.  I am donating it. I've done it once before and have been thinking about doing it again but waiting until my hair was long enough.  It finally was...just barely.

Here is what was cut off

The woman that cut it was really nervous.  I didn't realize this until she was done.  The fact that she really wasn't talking should have clued me in but she said she doesn't talk much when she gets in a zone.  And I told her to begin with that I had done it before and that it was just hair and would grow back.  When she got done I could tell she was surprised.  She kept saying "Thank you Lord" and "that was all Him" and stuff like that.  I really love it a lot!  Today I didn't even do anything to it and it looks good.  And when I run I don't have to worry about constantly readjusting my ponytail or anything like that.  And it feels good to have my hair loose and let the wind blow through it.  It might have even made me a little faster....okay, not really but it sure feels good!

A block of cheese and a box of wheat thins

Just 2 of the many things that have gone missing from the kitchen only to turn up in the boys' rooms at a later time.  I'm tired.  Really. Really. Tired. I now have 2 kids in alternative school.  And 2 more who I'm doing my best to teach to do the right thing while they watch their brothers go down the absolute wrong path.  Their dad is checked out.  He doesn't have to deal with it on a daily basis so he just pretends everything is fine.  He doesn't show up for meetings at the schools and even though he only lives 5 minutes away he does not help out with discipline when the boys are acting up at home.  Not that I would expect much from him....he doesn't even come to soccer games....even when the boys are at his house for the weekend.  This isn't really about cheese or wheat thins but sometimes I wish it was.  If dealing with hungry boys pilfering food was the worst of my problems I would love it.  But it isn't.  It is about boys with a lack of respect for rules and laws and other people's things who are impulsive and want what they want when they want it and don't care about the consequences or who gets hurt in the process.